Build your home on solid "ENVIRO" ground!

1. The "Lights Out" Rule - FR
   
   We all know that leaving lights on in rooms where there are no people wastes priceless electricity.  But did you know that it also causes cancer?  I know it's sounds shocking (no pun intended!).  And I know you're saying to yourself, "I just plain don't believe him!"   But you'll see that it makes sense if you think about it.  Here's how it works: (a) normal light from light bulbs is harmlessly absorbed by the body... if it's absorbed directly; (b) when lights are left on in a room where no people are, the light rays penetrate your furniture and effectively irradiate it; (c) therefore, re-entering a room full of irradiated furniture is potentially even more harmful to your biogenetic health than inhaling sun gases.  Think about that next time you stretch out in your "barcalounger" after you've disobeyed this rule!!
   
   
2. The "No Food Waste" Rule - DV
   
   If your parents are anything like mine, they're always telling you "you've got to eat to live."  But often we have food left over after a meal that we call "scraps" or "food trash."  Most people think that putting this excess food material on their compost heaps is the "ENVIRO" way to go.  But I'm here to tell you that if you want to move up the "ENVIRO" ladder, you'll need to make better use of your food remnants!  If you have a dog, why are you giving him canned dogfood?  Don't you know that the aluminum micro-flakes that fall from the lids of opened cans will give your dog Alzheimer's disease?  So, the natural thing to do is fill Fido up on your family's food leavings.  Or if you have a baby (or anyone else who won't notice the difference), just empty the waste into a blender, blend, and spoon it into a bowl (or, if the situation warrants, pour it into a bottle or "delivery" funnel).  Then simply add one hungry mouth and, lickety split, that food trash is history!
   
   
3. The "Once-A-Day Flush" Rule - FR
   
   When I was growing up, we always flushed the toilet after each use.  It seemed the natural/proper/clean thing to do.  Luckily, hygeine specialists at UC-Santa Cruz have discovered that flushing your toilet each time is not only an unnecessary waste of water, it could also be unhealthy for you and your family!  Now, I know that in the past I've recommended people flush their toilets only once every few days (instead of "Once-A-Day" as I'm now advocating).  But to tell the truth (and all of you who listened to me then will know this from experience) leaving your toilet unflushed that long can mean you have to call in a plumber.  Not that I have anything personal against plumbers... it's just that too often their solution to a clogged drain is to pour "ENVIRO"-threatening chemicals into the bowl.  You may not know this, but these chemicals actually burn away the clog, so how can that be good for our planet?! 
   
   Besides the obvious fire hazard, think of the unsuspecting marine life waiting at the end of the line - "Oh no, not again, Orca!  Here comes another flaming mass of congealed human sh*t!"
   
   
4. The "Twelve Recylcing Bins" Rule - FR
   
   The home is the recycling center par excellence.  That's because it's the only place you have the space you need to arrange all twelve recycling bins you need to do a proper job of recycling.  Now, I know that twelve separation bins sounds like more than you need.  After all, most of you use just nine separation bins, so you'll be wondering just what the all the others you should be using are for.
   
   Well, in addition to the white paper, colored paper, plastic, white bottles, brown bottles, green bottles, aluminum cans, tin cans and rags you normally reinvest in our planet, you should also be recycling medical wastes (including voided tampons, used bandages and "pre-owned" tissues and toilet paper), rubber (including old garden hoses, out-of-style tupperware and spent condoms) and drainhole "diggings."
   
   Hint: Most communities do not as yet recycle medical wastes, rubber and drainhole "diggings."  That's why you'll need to do what I did: petition the h*ll out of your local recycling center until it sets itself up to handle these recyclables!  If they turn a blind ear, just tell them that pretty soon we're going to run out of abandoned salt mines to safely dump them in!
   
   
5. The "Good Company" Rule - FR
   
   It's an unpleasant fact of life that as long as people visit each other (come over for dinner or coffee, or simply to play Yahtzee or Rummikub), they're going to leave behind more than just a bad smell in your carpet and drapes.  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about - and there's something you can do about it that's both conveniently easy and reassuringly "ENVIRO"-sensible.  It's called the Evacuator Pro, and, let me be the first to tell you, it works!  And it's 100% "ENVIRO"-friendly!