|
CH |
Your Question followed by THE GIPPER's Considered
Response |
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Gallino's
question
 |
"Hey Gipper,
I started school a couple of weeks ago, I'm a senior now, blegh doesn't
mean anything here in the Dominican Republic but hey I'm just one year
away :)-
Anyways, there was some new girls a stuff, wich is really important
cause I'm single at the moment, I was talking today to my new neighbor,
she's 13 but she's really nice to talk to and she looks pretty cute :)-
I get back to my friends and the group of my girl-friends (or friends
that are girls, I can't believe there's not a word in english for
feminine friends :)- ) says "Gallino!!! We just found you the perfect
girlfriend!!!" I said "Holy ****! where?!" they look at me like if I was
stupid and said "Her!!! Asshole!!" I was like "What the ****!! She's
thirdteen..." They told me that she was perfect for me, that we looked
perfect together, and after I thought a lot about it, she looks and
thinks like a 16 year old so it's not THAT bad or wrong...
I'm not sure of what to do. Is this considered moraly wrong?!?, please
tell me your opinion.
Thanks"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well... That all reminds me of the story Jimmy Carter used to tell
about how he saw a UFO one night, while he was driving to a Trilateral
Commission meeting. Sounds to me like he was sniffing swamp gas, because
not long after that he was reportedly attacked by a giant rabbit. This
was documented in an interview with Playboy Magazine, and you can look
it up. Now, I only look at that magazine for the pictures, and the
thought of a sitting president inviting those scantily-clad Bunnies into
the Oval Office for an interview, that just makes my blood boil! Liberal
scum will go to any length, just to see their name in print. My point
is, my friend--what appears to be a giant rabbit swimming towards you
might actually be your own fiend in disguise. Conserve yourself!
Abstain!" |
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Gote Cheez's
question
 |
"Dear Ronald,
I am writing about a new scheme here in the UK (perhaps you will recall
your 'special relationship' with Margaret Thatcher...? Well, she had an
association with the country known sometimes as the 'UK').
It seems that a blind man named David Blunkett, who has
rightly been ousted in a coup of sorts involving a crypto-prostitute and
a bastard child, wanted ID cards for all 'UK' residents. But things have
moved on, and now they are talking about branding barcodes onto people's
arms (or legs, for those without arms).
This seems sensible to me, but I
worry that it may in fact not be a good idea. What do you think?"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well... I'm not entirely sure what a 'crypto-prostitute' is, but
I'm sure it has something to do with all this 'cyber-sex' I've been
hearing about. Now, I've never supported legislation or sanctions
against whatever you want to do in your bedrooms, but Americans having
sex with robots seems to me like an unnecessary abomination. And if
branding people with barcodes will make them stop, then I have to say,
well, it's better than the alternative." |
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Richard A. Koenigsberg,
Ph.D.'s
question
 |
"Dear Colleague,
Whereas Foucault, Lacan and other theorists suggest that
the body is molded and shaped by discourse, I hypothesize that the
structure of discourse grows out of the experience of the human body.
Freud stated that 'The human ego is ultimately a body
ego.'
Perhaps conceptions of the nation and body politic represent a
projection of the human body. At least in the case of Hitler and Nazism,
it is possible to perceive the manner in which experiences and fantasies
surrounding the body are externalized to create the ideology of
genocide.
With best regards,
Richard A. Koenigsberg, Ph.D."
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well... These days, it's very fashionable to bring up Nazism during
political discussions. Next thing you know, we'll have prime-time
specials and theme parks. Politics, as we all know, should be kept in
smoke-filled back rooms, where it belongs, not out on display, for just
anyone to discuss and participate. The Industrial Revolution has been
good about that, compartmentalizing areas of expertise, so that those
with knowledge might have some proprietary sway over those without. The
less said, the better, I've always said--and just look at me now!" |
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SnoKone's
question
 |
"Dear President McDonald,
I have been considering using cocaine for a long time and have looked
everywhere for advice (and a dealer). I wrote to George W. Bush to ask
him what it's like, but he has not responded to any of my letters.
How long have you been a user of cocaine? What's it like? Who's your
dealer?
Thank you very much, Mr. President."
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well... I have to admit I quit drinking the stuff long ago, so I wasn't
affected much by the whole 'New Coke/Old Coke' civil war. Other than
having to fire all those air traffic controllers, of course, who were
hooked on the stuff! Nancy and I simply don't put up with such
tomfoolery, and that goes not only for Democrats, but for the lower
class as well! At any rate, and most people forget it, the 'original
formula' was changed long ago, when corn syrup replaced refined sugar,
mainly because good old native Indians are much easier (and cheaper!) to
dupe than Casto's pinko commie sugar cane farmers. It all boils down to
your resources, and who controls them. So I don't see what all the fuss
is about. And I want to go on record as saying I don't openly support
the Columbian cartels, and I'm glad the cola companies got out of the
drug business. Leave the doping to the professionals, I say!" |
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Bonzo's
question
 |
"I remember when I wasn't so old, and you weren't so
ancient, there was the tragic incident of the death of Life Cereal's
Mikey from consuming a lethal cocktail of pop rocks and Coke. Not long
after, we heard about TV's Father Knows Best's Robert Young dying from a
fatal mixture of pop rocks and Sanka. What advice do you have for the
young, or even the young at heart, who might be considering trying such
a potentially deadly stunt 'just for kicks'?"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… there are lots of these unkind rumors floating around. People
talk a lot about how these pop rock groups plant hidden backward
messages in their music, for the purpose of hypnotizing our nation's
teenagers into having depraved 'love-ins' and participating in
jailbreaks. Personally, I think all that music sounds like a lot of
Tarzan-yelling, backwards or forwards (and I did once have to punch
Johnny Weissmuller right in the kisser, come to think of it). But I say
let's ban anything whose sole purpose is to call down the Devil into our
kitchens, bathrooms and driveways. Then again, people talk about how
Walt Disney froze Mickey Mouse to death at the top of the Matterhorn
ride. And I just don't know what to make of that." |
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Teknoman's
question
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"Why are all modern Republican presidents either actors
or comedians? I notice that you were once an actor (I read it in your
bio at the top of your web portal). I know for a fact I've seen George
W. Bush years ago on the comedy circuit. He used to go under the stage
name of Rich Hall, I think. Now he's president. And his father, who was
also a Republican president, used to play zombies in horror films before
he went into politics. Is this a trend you started, or was it started by
Ford or Nixon or maybe even Eisenhower?"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… What I always tell anyone asking me whether or not they should
get into acting is this: Have you been bitten by the acting bug?
Surprisingly, many people don't believe in the acting bug. Or in
zombies. But you better believe I'll tell you this: if you ever see
George HW Bush crawling toward your bedside at night, his dentures
snapping and glowing in the moonlight as he whines about his need to
'feed', then you'll believe too! It's either that or get a job on the
Weather Channel." |
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June's
question
 |
"As a woman of ole years I find my hare is turning wite.
Someone tole me u use blax shu pollich to get yer hare looking good
but I tried it and let me say it dont work so I no u dont use it.
Before I exspearmint on other posible solution tole to me by friends
(clothing die, crush blaxbarrys, fountain pen ink and use motor oyl) I
want to no yer secret. And one more question? Is Nancy on Atkins? Is
she anurexia? Signed, Yer friend, June"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… I can see how you might get these two things confused. We are
told by fashion experts that wearing black makes a person look thinner
than they actually are, and wearing white makes you look like a
Democrat, bloated from a binge in the pork barrel. This is why zebras,
with their monochromatic stripes, always look so healthy. But on
television, those same stripes can interact badly with the broadcast
frequency and cause video strobing and distortion and your picture tube
to explode. They say the camera adds ten pounds, but in that case, when
your picture tube is all black, I'd say you look pretty thin!" |
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Loop Collard's
question
 |
"Do you have any love children, you know, like Elvis?
Does Nancy?"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well... I truly can't speak for Elvis and his hootchie-cootchie ways.
He certainly seems the type, doesn't he?--what
with all his 'Blue Hawaii' crooning and
playing the fool and whatnot. But if Nancy and Elvis ever did
a duet, then I never heard it. At any rate, how dare you
insinuate that I don't love children? You
pathetic liberals will do anything to promote
your 'latchkey' after-school programs, knowing they only lead to drug
deals-gone-wrong. Shame!" |
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Swimfish's
question
 |
"With you doing a novel can you tell me what your fave
novel is and why? Also any release date for it yet?"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… although I'm very fond of Clancy and Proust, my favorite novel is
probably 'The Bridges of Madison County' starring Clint Eastwood as
Rooster Cogburn, and Annie Oakley as the little girl set on avenging her
father's death at the hands of genetically engineered dinosaurs. You
can't beat that twist ending, when that mannequin comes to life. So far
as I know, it's already been released." |
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Shrub Goil's
question
|
"I read in my History class that it's your fault I have
to wait till I'm 21 to buy a drink. What do you have to say for
yourself, old man?" |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… I think it's interesting that someone would come to an Abstinence
site to extol the horrors of devil alcohol. Especially, what with all
the other kinds of drugs rolling around our social system, that you do
not have to be of any particular age to wait for. What's wrong with
those drugs, don't they satisfy you? Or have you already wasted yourself
on the pleasures of the gutter? Youth today, I swear, they don't know
how easy they have it, now that the Reds have been vanquished."
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Tooth Ferry's
question
|
"After all those years of making music, traveling around
the world, meeting people, making hit records etc., is there anything
you still wish for the future?" |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… aside from world peace at the hands of global monetarism and
nuclear threat, I'd like to see the Democrats squashed like the pansies
they are, and put out to pasture on Easter Island. And, if we can be
alone for a moment, I'd like to jump on a trampoline with Madonna, while
she wears that pointy-boob outfit. That's what I'd wish for."
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Jupitor's
question
|
"I read that toilet seats are now made a full five inches
wider than they were when you were president, all because of the
dramatic rise in the number of clinically obese Americans, especially
among the poorly educated. Do you regret your jellybean fetish now that
so many of your past supporters are overweight and well on the road to
diabetes and an early grave?" |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… I did try to lead by example. But it's like a lottery, and you
can choose to buy a ticket or you can choose to buy cheese or beer or
whatever else you might need, like gasoline for your Mercedes. It's all
about the pursuit of happiness, as someone once said. I didn't make you
spend your paycheck on lottery tickets, did I? Hell no! But if that
makes you happy, and helps to defeat those yet-remaining pockets of
Communism in our world, so be it. Meanwhile, if it makes you bloat like
Stalin, don't blame me. And what a man chooses to do with his jellybeans
when he's behind closed doors ought to be his own business, you
whippersnapper!" |
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Alma Nosex's
question
|
"Yes, yes, yes, but how do I know it's really you, Mr.
President, answering these questions and not some low-down two-bit
hoaxer? I want some REAL proof!" |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… you sound just like one of those goddamn liberals. Let me tell
you, despite what you and your commie friends think, you are not
entitled to any damn proof. You'll have to go on faith—but that's not
something you atheistic pinkos have any of, is it?" |
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Gelbox's
question
|
"George H. W. Bush once let it be publicly known that you
practice 'voodoo economics.' I must admit that when I went to vote in
1980 I felt a powerful unseen force guide my hand to punch your box
instead of Carter's. Were you practicing voodoo on me then?"
|
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… as you know, Nancy and I do not condone the practice of eating
other human beings. We do, on the other hand, worship astrology. This is
no secret. But please, don't lump us in with all those fortune-telling
cuckoos (even though we do have one of their fancy Nazi clocks, which
never keeps correct time) with their crystal balls and their devil
cards. Using a pantheon of funny cartoon characters like Super Scorpion
and the Wonder Twins to help you predict the future, economic or
otherwise, is strictly acceptable. Also, I have never placed bets on the
game of baseball, and Nancy doesn't even play bingo." |
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Gelbox's
follow-up question
|
"Do all successful politicians practice voodoo? Can I
learn? I'm a post-menopausal Japanese woman confined to a wheelchair.
Does that make it more difficult?" |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… back during the McCarthy Era, when I was first gaining control of
Hollywood, this was a popular assumption. Everybody smoked back then,
too. We all smoked, and we were tan and thin and healthy as sharks. I'm
sorry to hear about your wheelchair, but that shouldn't stop you from
smoking, even with all these liberal laws now in place, designed to keep
you from enjoying your liberties as an American. I've always said that,
and I mean it, too." |
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"Luke" Vole's
question
|
"I am a high school senior and I have a special projects
paper due for my 'Living English' class, on the mixed messages in
popular music that send that double entendres to people. While the world
is familiar with Billy Idol's homage to masturbation ('Dancing with
Myself') and Madonna's paean to fellatio ('Like a Prayer'), I would like
to find some other, lesser known and obvious songs. Can you tell me if,
when your wife Nancy was singing 'These Boots are Made for Walkin'', she
was really saying something else—like was she a dominatrix or something?
Sincerely yours, 'Luke'." |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… these rumors have dogged Nancy and I for years. I won't even get
into the one about how we met at a Black Mass. Her songs were always
about clean living and hygiene. Meanwhile, you've got vulgar scum like
Dean Martin singing 'When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,'
which is obviously, and excuse my French, about buttsucking. I saw some
weird things during my years in California, but some things took my
cake!" |
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Eye Klip's
question
|
"I read on the interweb that your likeness (in cartoon
form) had been considered as the default 'help' icon for Microsoft
Office but due to 'unspecified contractual difficulties', this could not
be arranged and the animated 'paperclip' was used instead. Can you shed
some light on this matter, and do you think these 'difficulties' will be
resolved in time for the next major update of Microsoft Office?"
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… as you know, the American Indians believe that giving a thing a
name grants you a certain amount of control over that thing. This is how
we are able to teach circus bears to dance. By the same token, whenever
you take a photograph of a human being, you steal part of that person's
soul. Just imagine the possibilities of creating a computer construct
and being able to give someone chickenpox, or a third eye that can see
into the future. We've come a long way since the days of Pac-Man, let me
tell you!" |
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Mystress Mynx's
question
|
"I saw on Oprah about this Nigerian woman who will be
stoned to death because she had a child out of wedlock. Do you think we
should have such punishments here in America to discourage the formation
of unwed mothers? Would it work? If so, what would you do with all the
money you save from welfare? Oh, and what does Nancy think?"
|
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… Every time I turn on late-night television, I see another
infomercial, trying to sell me a starving third-world child. It can be
very tempting, because Nancy and I are well past our childbearing years.
But the blame must be placed, and firmly, on Hollywood. Our cinemas
these days are too crammed with films about exploding robots having sex,
or sex-on-sex action, or other forms of pornography. There is simply not
enough family fare these days, and that is why we are suffering from
this influx of orphans. Therefore, and despite that awful custody battle
with Dave Garroway from the 'Today Show', I would still very much like
to make another of those matinee features with that chimpanzee. This
time a western—not a lot of folks know this, but that chimp could shoot
a beer bottle off a fencepost at sixty yards!" |
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Tiny Tim's
question
|
"Like you and Nancy, my wife and I are in the autumn
years of our lives. They say that people lose an interest in sex when
they get older, but you know you just gotta work a little harder to get
that fire lit. Viagra helps, as I'm sure you (and Nancy!) know. But
really spicing things up takes imagination and a willingness to explore
new experiences. Over the years my wife and I have tried a lot of things
to rekindle our interest in sex and each other, but time is really
starting to take its toll. For example, the excessive amounts of flab
that have in recent years made their home on my wife's hiney and legs
make her look downright ridiculous in her dominatrix gear. The
eight-inch spiked heels and the rubber cat-o-nine-tails that used to
send me into a rutting frenzy have all but lost their magic. And just
the opposite has happened to me. I've become so thin and gaunt and
whippet-like my wife finds it hard to take me seriously as a man. This
brings me to why I'm writing you today. My wife and I have decided to
become swingers, and we'd like our first experience with swinging to be
with you and Nancy. Well, actually just with Nancy because I don't want
my wife to be with another man, but you can watch if you like and take
pictures. What do you say? Are you and Nancy ready to take that first
step? Are you ready, like us, to open that 'forbidden door of desire'?"
|
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… I think maybe you should be contacting George and Barbara Bush
instead. I won't say any more about it, because I don't want to be
accused of turning this forum into a 'bathroom wall'. Just contact them,
and God bless." |
|
Lara Kroft's
question
|
"I often think back to your glorious reign as president
and wish you would run again. Or at least get Nancy to run because
you've already used up your two terms (wouldn' it be great if it were
Nancy against Hillary for president? I know which side I'd be on!)."
|
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… that would depend on how many sides there are. Lots of people
flip coins, as a hobby or as a way of choosing a life partner, believing
that there are only two possible outcomes. But a coin has more than two
sides—it has four. People are quick to forget the edge-side and the
inside. Ah ha! This is called Numerology and that road ultimately leads
to Dianetics and Satan worship. Get out while you still can—join the
Republican party today!" |
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D-Lishus D-Mon's
question
|
"Just like you saved America's reputation in the world,
you saved ketchup's reputation in America. Those people who said it had
'no nutritional value' clearly must have been on drugs. You pointed out
to them that ketchup is in fact a vegetable (even though the tomato, the
primary constituent of ketchup, is a fruit), and you rightly won the
day. But sometimes I find myself puzzled. When I put ketchup on my
fries, am I eating TWO vegetables? Or just one, like succotash? Or, for
that matter, is succotash really TWO vegetables as well (or THREE if
you're one of those people who add onions... or FOUR if you add garlic
powder too)? You can see where I'm going with this. Since you know what
was going on in your mind when you were championing ketchup, can you
help me out of this potentially endless maze of questions? Just a few
handy rules of thumb would probably be enough." |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… I often confuse succotash with goulash. Which is which? And while
we're at it, I don't understand why Texans are loathe to put beans in
their chili. George Bush and I used to have fisticuffs over this
practically every week. I would inevitably knock him down, step on his
neck, and pour a steaming bowlful of my 'bean stew' (as he called it)
down his throat. I feel almost every argument can be concluded in this
manner. Also, I like to put salt on my watermelon." |
|
Sorp Thera-D's
question
|
"Probably I should be addressing this question to Gem Ma,
but I felt too embarrassed and, besides, you probably know the answer to
this one anyway. I keep noticing in the gym that some girls let them
jiggle up and down, side to side, forward and backward, as they do their
exercises while others seem to be binding them, maybe with a very tight
bra or bras or just a strip of latex. My question is not so much focused
on why some girls choose to jiggle and others do not. Really I want to
know: if a girl binds them up, do they actually lose mass or deflate in
some way or to some degree? My girlfriend likes me to fondle them, but
when I try to squeeze them smaller she cries out in pain and I can't
ever squeeze them enough to know if they actually shrink under
pressure." |
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THE GIPPER's
considered response
|
"Well… public displays of nudity and sex might be tolerated in Communist
countries or in the pages of National Geographic, but in real life these
horrors can be confusing, as you say. The truth is that, just as objects
may appear larger or even smaller in the side mirrors of automobiles,
luring you into needless accidents that only benefit insurance companies
and the liberal fat-cat lawyers who own them, the same can be said of
gymnasiums—cavernous buildings that develop confusing reverberations
that effect all your physical senses, even taste. This is why persons
obsessed and deluded with 'fitness' no longer crave meals from White
Castle or Red Lobster. Can you imagine?" |
|
Your CH |
Your Question |
