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News
Flash!
Up-to-the-minute
News from the World of Abstinence!
It's hardly surprising that abstinence generates so much news the world
over. Below are just a few of the stories we've received from SATA Members
and other reliable sources.
If you have some news to share,
email us at
the address at the bottom of the page.
Even if you're not a Member, feel free to write in too. And why
not send in a recent photo of yourself as well (voluntary)?
We won't reveal your name or email address. Just tell us your news and
your CH (cyber-handle: mine's X-Rom, in case you're interested ;-). If
you don't have your own CH, simply choose one. Be sure to write it down
and keep it in a special place, so you don't forget it!
Now, let's go over to the news desk!
| CH |
Report |
| Toadvine
 |
"I
got me a thing in a jar. It came from the medical laboratory up the
road where I know a secret way to get in, late after midnight. Sometimes
of an evening I turn the lantern down low and set the jar on the kitchen
table and talk to the thing. It floats up and down in its thick yellow
liquid and sometimes I swear I hear it talk back. The best I can describe
the voice I hear is that it sounds like paper machine talk. When it
does talk it starts to glow greenish, real faint. If anyone else has
one of these things, I'd just like to know if that glow is poisonous." |
| Chicken
Sheets
 |
"I
chose the CH of 'Chicken' because I am starting a movement to get
people aware of their Inner Chickens. Everybody has one. This
is the chicken that lives deep inside you, and tells you not to do
things that you really should do (sort of like anti-abstinence, I
think). Like that guy who went all the way to the moon, and then wouldn't
get out of the capsule because he was afraid. His Inner Chicken had
total control! What a waste of money! It makes me so mad! I am
so mad! Buk buk buk buk buk-aaaaaaaak!" |
| Skank
Motor
 |
"Even
with the best will in the world, it's sometimes hard to quit--even
if only for one day. (Don't I know it!) But that's where the Evacuator
Pro from Promotech Products can help. It assembles in just minutes,
and because of its unique 'variable tilt/floor mounted' design (patented
in two Scandinavian countries), unsightly marks on your ceiling and
walls are a thing of the past! The Evacuator Pro's rugged 90's styling
is complemented by seventeen intensity levels (including three 'purge'
modes) and five pulse settings. And with a fully reinforced metal
backing plate and genuine 'Biarritz leatherette' pulley cords and
Simple-Slide® tapettes (for easy adjustment), you know it'll last
for years and years. So when it comes time for you to quit--and I
mean REALLY quit for more than just a few hours--accept no substitute.
Strap yourself into the Evacuator Pro from Promotech Products today!
(Available in select specialty stores everywhere)" |
| Mac-
Hack
 |
"Isn't
it time something was done about those people who read your newspaper
over your shoulder on the train? I buy a paper every day and I can
literally feel other people reading it. I get so frustrated
sometimes I shake it violently, just to let them know they're annoying
me. They'll just look away and pretend they weren't reading my paper.
Then, like wine flies returning for another suicide attempt in my
whisky, they're back reading again! My advice, if you're too cheap
to buy your own paper then look out the window!" |
| Furniture
Frog
 |
"Hey
Mobile! We're closing our Airport Boulevard store and EVERYTHING MUST
GO! We've got sofas, love seats, armoires, iron maidens, bookcases,
bunk beds, day beds, and coffins of all shapes and sizes! Plus, whips
and hot coals for the kiddies! Drive real fast, scream real loud,
and shoot any cops who don't like it! Get down here and see our selection,
here at Lindley's Fine Furniture, where WE save YOU MONEY!" |
"Ordnance for Abstinence":
U.S. Marines shoot a load.
| Choi
Vax
 |
"The
first time the aliens appeared in our bedroom we were twelve years old.
They've visited us every year since then, for several hours, sometimes
just to talk and sometimes to take samples and run tests on our
bodies." |
| Your
CH |
Your
Report |
CeTeRa
DeSuNt
Get in touch anytime at
Remember that address - It could just
save you from the Fiend - he hates abstinence!
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