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Mishaps
Non-Abstainers
aren't the only ones who suffer from errors of judgment!
Abstinence may help us avoid mishaps in our lives, but
it can't prevent them from ever occurring. That's why we're asking all
SATA Members to email us at the address at the bottom of the page
to report on accidents big and small. Even if you're not a Member,
feel free to get in touch too.
We keep your name or email address safe from public view. Just present
us with your testimony and
your CH (cyber-handle: mine's X-Rom, as it happens). If you don't have
your own CH, simply choose one. Be sure to write it down, so you don't
have to remember it! And why not send a picture while you're at it (discretionary)?
Onward march the mistakes of our lives!
| CH |
Mishap |
| Knock
Shuss Oder
 |
"No
way am I giving up one damn thing until I find out what's really
in it for me!! Let's face it, most of us are really poor.
Our poverty not only means we're probably uglier than rich people,
it also means we already don't have all the things we might want
from life (yeah I'm talking about life!!). Are we
pretending to be rich when we abstain from something?
Are we trying to fool ourselves that we are somehow more attractive
than we really are? No way man am I drinking no herbal tea
or wearing no extra tight fruit of the looms so I can fantasmagorize
that I'm not bone ugly and dirt poor!" |
| Slim
No Mo'
 |
"For
more than half my life I was the heaviest smoker I knew (4-6 packs
of Virginia Slims a day) and ever since I saw one of his movies
I've been a big fan of John Grisham novels. So a couple
of years ago when 'The Runaway Jury' came out I couldn't help
but be moved by the story, in which the big tobacco companies,
like the ones who make my (ex)cigarette, are taken to the cleaners
and all their dirty lies and evil trickery exposed to public view.
I started smoking Slims when I was 11 and just entering the early
life changes. The reason I started smoking them was because
I saw their advertising slogan ('You've come a long way, baby!')
with the free minded young woman--obviously in complete control
when it came to satisfying her own needs. She didn't need
a man: she had that long flaming rod of tobacco
right there in her hands! And I felt the same way: I was
a budding young feminist and wanted to do everything feminists
did to empower themselves. But the only people cigarettes
empower are the vile owners of the tobacco companies--and they're
mostly men! When I finally realized I was being taken for
a ride (and being humiliated by the tobacco moguls who knew that
nicotine was fiercely addictive), I vowed to break the chains
that bound me. It took six months of shock therapy, hypnotism,
tapes, patches and meditation for me to free myself, but I did
it--and you can too! Believe me! Tobacco is slavery
and death!! Abstinence is freedom and life!!!" |
| Boot
E. Lick
 |
"I
have a wife and three kids. We have a very nice house, two miles
from the ocean. The house doesn't have an ocean view, but it's
still a very nice house. Every morning I drive to work. And as
I cross the waterway, I can't explain what happens to me. I pull
over, to the jetty where the fisherman are always lined up. And
I get out of the car and I strip off all my clothes and then I
run, buck-naked, the quarter mile or so down to the water, yelling
'Catch me, you Brutes! Catch me!' No one ever runs to catch me,
so I always end up in the water, splashing and rubbing the water
all over myself, and hooting like a cormorant. I take a shower
every morning before leaving for work, so it's not like I'm dirty
or anything. I don't know why I do this, but I think I should
try and stop. Thank you." |
| Bozeman
 |
"I
have been trying Religion. Trying really, really hard. But Goddamn
it, what kind of a religion makes it so hard to be a member? All
this cock-and-bull, dog-and-pony crap about a 'prepared heart'
and a 'virtuous heart'--I mean Which Is It? So I've tried fasting
and meditation to clear my mind, I've tried drugs and sex to cloud
my mind, and nothing works. (I stopped short of setting myself
on fire, but that's another story!) Either way, I just don't get
it. I can't think of any good reason why Enlightenment should
be such hard work. What kind of a god would set things up that
way? I mean, how friendly and loving is that? So I quit, man,
I give up." [Editor's Note: I believe we can all share
Bozeman's frustrations here. We've all been there at one time
or another, and it's not such a nice place to be. But, Bozeman,
you mustn't give up your quest to find the peace that only true
abstinence can give you. To everyone else out there in the cyber-miasma,
let us learn from Bozeman's courage and send him/her our best
wishes!] |
| Coach
Doach Rape
 |
"Man,
I got the clap! And I tell you what, it hurts like de Debbil!
Just like that Fiend says, I'm burning already! Whooooowheeeeee!" |
| Eyechart
 |
"I
can't help looking at other women. When a woman is looking good
and she's there right in front of my eyes what else am I supposed
to do? My girlfriend gets mad, of course! She wants me to only
look at her so she slaps me. She sometimes even slaps me when
we're watching Baywatch and I happen to look at the screen when
some hot babe comes into view. Maybe if I was blind she'd leave
me alone but then she'd just get even madder when she wanted me
to look at her when I'm talking to you! It's just a lose lose
situation. Is there any way abstinence can help?" |
| L-Shox
 |
"Man
I was exxing last Saturday when I thought what three? I took three
and then whoa I was like going over the cliff man. The music man
was like everywhere and it glowed and flashed like the lights
that were there to. I melted I mean melted right into the crowd.
I must of put away ten gallons of the evian. Then next thing I
know I'm on the subway going to work because its like Monday.
Whoa! Lets have some abstinence I say. Least till next time! Plur
forever man!" |
| Moldster
Nix
 |
"I
have these horrible patches of skin? They are right on the tips
of my elbows? I scratch and scratch but it will not go away? The
doctors cannot identify it, aside from that it is some kind of
fungus? It has begun to spread? The neighborhood children laugh
at me? What shall I do? What shall I do?" |
| Lap
'Top' Dog
 |
"I
carry my laptop with me everywhere, even to church but I don't
use it there out of respect for the institution. That's why my
friends all call me Lap Dog (sometimes with the 'Top' part thrown
in). My business has been doing so much better now that I can
keep track of it with my modem and spreadsheets (My secretary
is always standing by with the latest data. About my secretary,
let's call her Doe Wrist with a silent 't'. That'll be her CH
if she ever joins SATA--hey when am I going to get my emails updating
me on SATA events?) [Editor's Note: Please be patient. Response
to the SATA membership drive has been phenomenal, and we are coping
as best we can. All I can do now is say 'soon, very soon'.]
Anyway, as I was saying I was carrying my laptop in church last
Thursday for the evening service and the preacher (who shall remain
synonymous) started talking about sin and the internet, especially
pornographic sin. At one point he glared down at us and asked,
'How many of you out there in the congregation have knowingly
searched for pornographic sin on the internet?' People started
looking at me because I have a computer with internet facilities
(but I know most of them have them at home too). But I only ever
used it for email and checking stock prices. So I stood up and
said in a sincere voice Not I! I said I didn't even know there
was pornographic sin out there on the information superhighway!
No one seemed to believe me, which really hurt. So I went home
all dejected and thought I'd have a go at trying to find some
pornographic sin on the internet. Guess what, it's there! So be
careful not to do searches with words that could be interpreted
by the search machine that you want to find filthy photos." |
| Your
CH |
Your
Mishap |
CeTeRa
DeSuNt
Get in touch anytime at
Remember that address - It could just
save you from the Fiend - he hates abstinence!
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