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Contest!

A contest you can really sink your teeth into!'Come on... you can do it!'

Everyone loves a good Game Show, so long as no one gets hurt! That's why SATA now sponsors the following trivia contest.  Be the first member (or non-member--we don't discriminate!) to solve the puzzles below in the best possible way and you could walk away a winner!

It's so easy, and yet it can mean so much!

Contest #11

  1. What were the cyber-handles of the two now infamous ex-SATA Members whose guilt in the "Porn Piracy" scandal was brought to light by Lo Trump and her lucky Indian Head penny?
  2. Which is superior: S. Pellegrino or Volvic, and why?
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member?
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Hermanillica's last name, and why?

Here's how you can enter Contest #11:

  1. Send us an email at the address at the bottom of this page with the words "Contest #11" in the Subject line. You may wish to take the opportunity to become a SATA Member. Remember, it's free!
  2. Number your answers as the questions are numbered above.
  3. Hurry - all entries must be in by November 1, 2004! The CH (cyber-handle) of the winner of Contest #11 will be announced in early December 2004. The winner's answers to the questions will be posted at that time too.

GOOD LUCK!

Or feel free to browse our archive of past Contests!  You might just learn something if you're not careful!

Contest #1

We have a winner for the first contest! Bighter, a SATA regular and one of our first cyber-members, supplied the following answers to the questions:

  1. What living material was photographed for the background picture on this and all SATA pages? "Skin. Though I am uncertain if this is human skin, or the slightly irritated skin of a shaved dingo."
  2. Which noteworthy U.S. Senator wrote a letter of encouragement to the old Total Abstinence Society of Penn? "Obvious--Jesse Helms." [Technically, this is incorrect, as it was Senator Exon who wrote the letter that so pleased members of the old TASP.]
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "However much I can abstain from paying. Which can be quite a lot, rendering the correct answer: Nothing."
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Foucault's first name, and why? "Michel--though it is pronounced 'Michelle' as this is a secret message that 'he' is really a woman." [Correct, possibly, but as Michel Foucault is dead and probably was cremated, we'll never know for sure his/her sex.]

Bighter is now the proud owner of a bag of specially minted SATA Mardi Gras coins.

Contest #2

  1. What is the CH of the famous African military dictator who joined The Society in March 1998? "Though I was hoping for Idi Amin Dada, the correct answer is Tin Chago Tin!"
  2. How many SATA members does it take to screw in a lightbulb, and why? "None!  SATA members, believing enLIGHTenment does not come from activity in the material world, would abstain from screwing in the light bulb!"
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "Way way down from last year, it now costs NOTHING to become a famous SATA member!"
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Derrida's first name, and why? "I call him Jackie to his face, but the students and readers of Social Text worldwide refer to him as JACQUES!  Why?!  Because he is a pussy! Thank you!  What do I win?"

A. Crowley supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of an all-pro sixpack of SATA frisbees specially imported from Mauritania.

Contest #3

  1. Where does the Fiend reside? "At the bottom of the page."
  2. What was Gem Ma's job...? "She worked for the phone company because she was sister to Ma Bell and that is why her phone psychic phone lines are so good, because she has the experience."
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "10 percent of your annual income." [Technically, it's free, so the answer could be correct if you went a whole year abstaining from making money.]
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Baudrillard's first name, and why? "Jean, because what goes around, comes around."

Tamp Axe supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of an official SATA vertigo block.

Contest #4

  1. Why won't Yahoo put the SATA site into its registry? "Yahoo is very busy categorizing all the porn sites on the web; if SATA had more porn, or porn-related material at their site, they might get another chance." [The jury's still out on the SATA porn question, but the "let's cast caution to the wind and make the SATA site the biggest purveryor of indecent material the web's ever seen" argument is gaining substantial ground--watch this space!]
  2. What is Professor McFoam's home address? "Professor McFoam lives at 1313 Huckleberry Lane, in a house with a river. Is this close?" [He doesn't actually live there, but he owns the property, so close enough.]
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "Train C will arrive 30 minutes later than Train B, provided Train A wrecks in the switching yard, and clears the tracks."
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is (Tony) Blair's first name, and why? "This is a trick question." [Not to him, it isn't, but you can have it anyway.]

Ignorama supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of an official pair of SATA "sneer" trousers.

Contest #5

  1. Should SATA become the largest purveror of indecent material on the web? "SATA should absolutely become the largest purveyor of indecent material on the Web. I look to SATA just like I look to the Vatican for guidance, and as we all know the Vatican has the biggest porn collection in all of the material world! I think it fitting that SATA should catalog all the web-based porn for easy identification! You can't avoid it until you fully understand it!"
  2. Who's that girl? "That girl is the It Girl, from the famous advertisements and filmstrips of the 1920s. I think she was a whore as well." [No, the girl in question has no name so far as is known. This was a trick question.]
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "Though it is currently FREE to be a SATA member, I would like to see imposed (in accordance with our new militant attitude) a rule of tithing for every Lapse of Abstinence, perhaps a nickel or perhaps it could be a sliding scale. (Masturbation might only cost a few pennies, but murder should be a couple hundred bucks!) This money could be used to keep retarded babies out of bondage, or something." [Such a policy was at one times the norm for SATA, and we'll definitely be considering a revised system for the near future--it can be a real money-spinner!]
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Kennedy's first name, and why? "Kennedy, the famous MTV DJ, is very secretive of her first name, but I think it is Chlymidia. If that's not her name, well, I still think that's a beautiful name. Do I win?" [It is actually Chlymidia, or so rumor has it. And, yes, you do win.]

Mdme. Polyp supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of a certified-functional SATA "coin-clicker".

Contest #6

  1. What is the capital of France [note: if you are French, then the question becomes "what is the capital of Japan?" to keep things fair!]?  "Belgium.  This is correct in both cases."
  2. Which is superior: philately or numismatics, and why?  "What the fuck are you talking about?  Everybody knows this is just like chocolate and vanilla, or evolution and creation.  They're really just the same things, with a little bit added to make them different.  I don't see what the big deal is."
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member?  "About thirty minutes."
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Yeltsin's first name, and why?  "Bullwinkle."

Lulu Bippie supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of a pair of official SATA "his 'n' hers" chastity belts.

Contest #7

  1. When will the world come to an end? "The world will end in 8 billion years when the sun blows up, taking everything in our solar system with it, then collapsing into a white dwarf star, along with the remains of all previously existing human life. We will all be condensed together at the molecular level then, so why go through the bullshit of trying to get close to people now? If you wait, it will happen with no effort anyway." [It may surprise you how much sooner the world is actually going to end, but this is a good answer in that it does offer a timetable at least.] 
  2. What is the best thing we should all Abstain from doing while we're waiting, and why? "In the meantime, we should abstain from deluding ourselves into believing that anything we do is new or meaningful because there is powerful evidence they did it all back in the 1800's already."
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "It costs your pride and standing with your fellow human beings to be a member of SATA, but it's only temporary (see #1)." [Don't forget that becoming a Member of SATA is 100% free (and we are not a cult).]
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is your first name, and why? "My first name is Hooter because at this local bar they had 'hooter nights' where they had an open mike for amateur singers, called 'hooting' and that's the official story; the REAL reason is because I smoked a lot of Pot in those days, and we nicknamed it 'hooter' because the heat was on us something fierce and there was no way they were going to crack our secret code!" [Sadly, even when you're careful, traces are invariably left behind.]

Hooter supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of an official SATA "curtain call" burlap stretch.

Contest #8

  1. What is the last sound you hope to hear before you die, and why? "I hope to hear the moo of a cow, for that is the most beautiful sound in the universe...MOO!  MOO!  MOO!  MOO!  MOO!"
  2. Which is superior: time or space, and why? "Space, because there's more fatty movies about it...who gives a shit about time?  The Fiend, I tell you, the Fiend!"
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "All it costs is provided by SATA, the life-giving force.  SATA gives me Jedi powers."
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Gore's first name, and why? "Gore's first name is Al, because he was named after the restaurant owner in 'Happy Days.'  His parents were actually going to let him name himself, in the spirit of all hippie scum, but I think the weed made them forget and pick a name by accident."

Cloe supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of an official SATA mincemeat "char" hopper.

Contest #9

  1. What is the first sound you remember hearing, and where did it come from?  "I guess it was the voice of Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy! I don't remember the question he was asking (or the answer he was giving, depending on how you look at it) but to this day, Alex really gets me hot!"
  2. Which is superior: fork or chopsticks, and why? "Chopsticks, because when the plastic serving boats come around the sushi bar just a little too fast, I love to see people mess up and drop the fish into the water. Where the fish belongs! But I use forks whenever possible."
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "I'd like to answer in the form of a question, like on Jeopardy! 'How much is Zero?'"
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Putin's first name, and why? "His first name is Rutin, and his middle name is Tutin."

Poodle-Plex supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of a large box of official SATA tambourine "navy-style" liqui-gels.

Contest #10

  1. Does making something illegal mean people are more or less likely to abstain from it?  "Who doesn't like the excitement of doing something illegal?"
  2. Who was superior: Lenin or McCarthy, and why? "I guess it was Jenny McCarthy; because I'm sure a lot of men wouldn't mind having her as a superior. Of course I don't know about Lenin; but he could certainly be satisfied." [Editor's Note: In a straw poll most of the SATA Board said that Lenin's "Cold Turkey" was superior to anything McCarthy ever did, but I'm of the view that you can't top the strong Abstinence message backward-masked throughout the song "The Back Seat of My Car."]
  3. How much does it cost to become a SATA Member? "A lot of effort trying to think of what SATA actually is; because until now, I really don't have a clue about that. That's why I want to become a member: I wanna find out.'"
  4. TIE-BREAKER: What is Bert's last name, and why? "It must be 'W. Bush'; because he reminds me of someone else that can only fool mentally disabled children without arms and legs (and feet also) that must have been aborted long before their parents were born."

Johan de Ruiter supplied the previous answers and is now the proud owner of an official pair of SATA "American Carpet Warehaus" blessings (of the "pas de ciseaux" variety).

CeTeRa DeSuNt

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Remember that address - It could just save you from the Fiend - he hates abstinence! 

'Abstain today or you'll burn with me!'