Professor McFoam's Perspectives

History is Alive and Well at SATA.

From the shadowed depths of Hulster House (SATA HQ) come the illuminating perspectives of our own Professor Skyler McFoam, Official Historical Analyst and Continuity Director for the Society, and long-time member of the Board. 

Taking over the duties of the dear departed "Mr. Cakewalk" (who never really adjusted to his office, but was loved by all), Professor McFoam’s main task is researching the impact, role, and progression of SATA throughout American History. (Prof. McFoam abstains from using a Cyber-Handle because he is a devout Seeker of Truth, and as such disdains Nicknames. We must beseech you, therefore, not to look him up and pester him via mail, phone, candygram or carrier pigeon. However, you are free to contact him at the address at the bottom of this page anytime day or night!)

The good professor presents us an undated history in several parts, beginning below.

Introduction.

Greetings from Hulster House, original headquarters of The Society! But I am getting ahead of myself. According to documents I have found in the basement, SATA (as we all suspected) of course predates Hulster House, just as the megalithic foundation predates the aboveground structure of the house itself. There is lots to uncover, here in this moldy manse, lots to patch together that a coherent story may be told. But the early finds are so exciting! 

For example, I have unearthed evidence of the (so far!) earliest documented Society member—a Squire Lucius Screed. He called himself an American Abstainer (more later on how the seminal AA eventually became SATA) and accompanied Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon as far as the Allegheny Ridgeline in a vain attempt to make them cease and desist drawing their now famous Line which supposedly divides "North" and "South" America (if such a line did exist, it would lie somewhere near the southern Mexican border, but I don’t want my own agendas creeping in here). Lucius, it seems, was unconcerned about the north/south division, but believed the line, in progressing West into "Unholie Terri’tree", would stand as a symbol of tolerance, encouraging the populace into uninhibited thinking. While Mr. Dixon considered listening to these theories on several occasions, Mr. Mason would not give Lucius the time of day, despite the fact that he (Mason) was trained in astronomy. Oddly enough, Mr. Screed eventually deserted the party and vanished West, into the Ohio Country, never to be heard from again. We can only hope this does not indicate a failing on his part, but rather a strong sense of martyrdom.

But, back to the business at hand. Hulster House, located on a hill overlooking a bend in an unmapped branch of the Susquehanna, is a towering brick edifice, four stories at its cupola peak. After much research, I was able to locate the fabled structure, and was overjoyed to learn that, due to a recent series of suicides, the House was up for auction. It was available for virtually nothing, partly due to the fact that, despite the sound exterior, most of the interior floors have disintegrated, leaving only shadowed beams in the upper corners; the most interesting parts of the House, luckily, are located below the earth, in the labyrinthine corridors of the megalithic foundation, and are blessedly well preserved. (Some rooms, in fact, were paneled and decorated and are, discounting the mold, quite cozy!)

I will forego any lengthy description of my years of tracking down the Hulster Estate, leading eventually to my happy discovery and acquisition of the House Itself. Suffice to say, this is a joyous find, and I hope one day we may restore the structure, that it may serve as a kind of SATA Lodge, just as it did generations ago, for our Forefathers in Abstinence. For now, Hulster House shelters only one soul—me. From this point I shall delve into our Hallowed History (and into these corridors, which seem to go on forever!), dispatching the stories which seem most inspiring, relevant, and appropriate to our Own Times.

The workmen have finally departed for the evening (all that hammering and swearing!), leaving me in seclusion with the SATA archives. I now live and work in a small set of fully furnished underground chambers which, beyond these new oak doors, branch into the rest of the labyrinthine basement and adjacent catacombs, which I have yet to map. That will come later. First, it is essential that I research an original floorplan for the upper stories—we want the restoration of Hulster House to be as historically accurate as possible!

Meanwhile, I have been arranging the papers of one Aleister Putnam (1838-1893), through which I have learned the details of perhaps the greatest fraud ever perpetrated upon the American People. An exemplary letter written to his Beloved, dated 1863:

 We huddle in our camps at night, and dream up details about the ‘bloody battles’ fought during the day. Darling, I cannot impart to you the hilarity engendered by this situation. As our horses watch impassively from the shadowy margins of our campfire, we roll about in the dirt, clutching our stomachs with laughter. ‘General’ Sherman is the true clown among us; I shall never forget his tall tale about how we ‘burned’ Atlanta (truly, as you know, the result of unfortunate circumstances surrounding an attempt by a quack surgeon to resurrect the dead using a newfangled electric generator. I know, the situation itself is not particularly funny, but you should have seen Sherman leap around in pantomime of the citizens fleeing in panic from our assault! I nearly soiled my ‘uniform!’). Meanwhile, the Squires scribble it all down, as though faithfully documenting Truth…

What I glean from this is that the first Civil ‘Warriors’ were in fact nothing more than the first generation of what we now call "Civil War Re-enactors", making it up as they went along. And I would like to propose that these societies of re-enactors, chapters of which thrive throughout the South, are no more than cabals bent on perpetuating a historical fraud! I am further convinced of this by my recent conversations with several members of such re-enactment squads—they fully denied my theories and even threatened me with physical violence! A sure sign of a cover-up!

As a trained Historian, I am deeply sickened. That not only the power of History should be treated with such callous disrespect, but that of Fiction as well—note that Atlanta was actually burned as the result of a madman wishing to emulate Victor Frankenstein, the primary character in a notable work of fiction! And this deplorable fraud continues to be pushed on an innocent public to this very day! With every passing second, History loses more and more meaning! And as such, our very identity as a People (much less as Abstainers) is at stake!

For it is obvious, at this point, the "Civil War", not reflecting any actual historical events, is merely a cottage industry, providing work for an untold number of mythmakers who would otherwise be wandering the streets homeless—ranging from the above-mentioned re-enactors to highly paid scribes and composers of television documentaries—it should go without saying that Ken Burns has not been returning my calls and/or faxes! This crime must be stopped and the perpetrators be brought to Justice!

I shall continue to delve into the Archives in search of our true roots, and quest for these roots to eventually be pulled up and shaken free of all clinging dirt. I cannot believe, or even pretend, that our History will remain for very much longer in the hands of charlatans and poets, where it has apparently resided, in a death grip, for (at least) over a century now! We must never allow ourselves to forget that the Civil War did not actually happen. And the only way to do that is to free ourselves into the Truth of the Present Moment…

Huzzah! It is wond'rous to be returned to Hulster House after an extended jaunt down to Williamsburg VA for the opening of the new Disney America theme park, just in time for the summer! The SATA board granted me leave to help the Imagineers design and implement many areas and rides for the new park, and now that it is open to the public, I am at liberty to discuss my involvement.

It is the special ability of the Disney Company to create landscapes which are totally disconnected from our everyday, ordinary worlds and lives and yet, at the same time, "more real than real." Wow! While some pooh-pooh this kind of escapist fantasy as childish and rude, I say there is actually much to be learned from such 'opportunities' or 'episodes'; thus there is also much to be taught. And this is where a person or persons such as myself come in!

I played an extensive hand in having to do with this project. But whatever I did, from conceptualizing rides and exhibits and shows, right down to the 'theming' of certain areas of the park, rest assured Abstinence was never far from my mind. Examples:

Black Monday. A free-fall ride in the dark, themed on the great stock market crash of 1932. 'Investors' take an elevator to their top floor office in a fancy Wall Street skyscraper, stopping along the way to witness decadent partying and orgies on various floors; at one point Scrooge McDuck can be seen chasing Minnie with what may or may not be an over-extended roll of quarters. The elevator almost reaches the top, but that's when the bottom falls out of the market, symbolized by a horrifying series of drops as the power is turned on and off in the building (when money becomes worthless, it's tough to pay the bills!).
The Manifest Destiny Shootin' Gallery redefines the old midway attraction with state-of-the-art virtual technology. Each rider boards a covered wagon which proceeds to roll though digital dioramas of the Fabled Old West. Defend your wagon and your family from pesky marauding Redskins and win a stuffed Pocahontas doll! Extra points for making the California border before Grandma dies of consumption.
The Age of Suffrage Saloon is actually more of an eatery, though the red-velvet curtains on the bordello stage part every half-hour to reveal can-can girls, and the serving wenches hop upon the nearest tables to synchronize flashes of their garters! A real treat for the kids, as the songs are not only lively but quite poignant and informative, particularly the haunting "Ballad of Susie B." And the chipper tune of "Piercing Madame's Woodhull" will stick in your mind long after you leave the park!
Zoyd Wheeler's Revenge. A 3-D movie based partly on Thomas Pynchon's Vineland and incorporating characters from Alice in Wonderland, this whimsical journey into the paranoid drug counter-culture of the 1960s does not follow my original conception at all, I'm sorry to say, and the gift shop located at the theater's exit doors (which is filled with AA and similar self-help books and merchandise-without going into the kinds of inflammatory arguments that once cluttered our moribund SATA chat board, we all know that AA doesn't go far enough in its call for restraint and abstinence, and they shall forever be known, at least to our members, as the 'red-headed twelve-step-child') does little to reverse the message of the film, which is that drugs are not only fun, but that the World in General is more easily understood while under the influence. At least that was my take, and I therefore can't/don't recommend this ride/feature.
As The Bell Tolls. (Opening Soon) This next-generation simulator ride follows a sci-fi theme: guests board an experimental craft which shrinks to microscopic size and then gives a rollicking tour of the fissures and crevices of the serrated inner edge of the crack in the Liberty Bell. The highlight of the ride, as designed, comes as the craft reaches the apex of the Crack: the simulator vehicle is then supposed to actually invert at the "Point of Liberty", but the magnetic launch system stalls halfway through and during 'soft openings' some riders were dropped on their heads, so this ride is still in the testing stage. The ride soundtrack, commissioned by Pink Floyd, was also not satisfactory and is being reworked.
Plymouth Rocks! This nightly stage-show and fireworks spectacular is scheduled to feature bands such as Europe and Berlin. At the climax of each show, the stage will be strafed and dive-bombed by piñata-airplanes which upon exploding release chocolate "war-issue" coins into the audience.
The Slave Whipper. Disney is world-famous for indoor roller coasters such as Space Mountain and I am proud to have worked on this one! Within the façade of a sprawling Plantation home, draped with kudzu and Spanish moss, lies one of the most twisted coasters ever devised. A triumph of theming, the line itself follows a long tree-lined avenue leading to the front doors of the towering mansion; in the distance (actually a clever forced-perspective) can be heard lovely minstrel songs like "Pick a Bale O'Cotton". Once inside, young white interns painted in blackface to resemble Uncle Remus strap riders against the ride structure, which rockets along an inverted track. From hidden speakers comes an authoritative voice: "You've been awful bad, Mammy" as the train begins its slow trek up the launching ramp… I won't give away any details of the actual ride, other than to say Yes it does take place in near total darkness (for heightened fear and meaning) and Yes it does contain a quadruple reverse corkscrew that will have you reaching for your Tylenol afterwards! For added fun, try to get the 'cast members' in blackface to crack a smile. You can't do it!

There is much to be learned and appreciated from Disney's approach to American History. I think you'll agree, it was Work Well Done! Let's all show our support of Disney in their support of Abstinence by supporting the new Disney America theme park! Make Disney America your #1 vacation destination this summer! Aloha!

Hulster History, Part One.

As restoration continues up above, I find myself driven further below—not merely by the noise, but by the historical findings which are continually unearthed! A few evenings ago, following the departure of the workmen, I wandered the upper halls, examining their progress. Despite their foul mouths, they are hard and diligent craftsmen, to be sure. They have many questions regarding the design of the restoration, but they are fain to approach me directly. Rather, they physically manifest their uncertainties by disregarding my sketched plans and following their own. Undoubtedly, this is done subconsciously; each morning when I correct them they listen without comment—awed perhaps by my architectural savoir-faire. Later, when I take leave of them, I plainly hear them laughing—at their own simple mistakes, I am sure.

Yet it was one of these mistakes which allowed me my latest discovery. As the evening gloom descended, I investigated the ancient parlor, where the unauthorized removal of some latter-day paneling had revealed a hearty brick wall and a framed inset. The light of my candle sparked some reflection below the dust gathered on this inset; brushing it away, what should be revealed to me but a ghostly daguerreotype of none other than Cap’n Jaffrey Hulster, the original builder of the house! Not only that, but the swipes of my hand had inadvertently triggered a long-hidden mechanism in the frame which caused the portrait to swing back, revealing a shelved embrasure!

Here I found documents and artifacts that had been secreted for centuries! The basement archives go back several generations, but I now hold the key (literally—but more on that later) to great depths of History! Among other things is a partial map of the catacombs, which will undoubtedly come in handy, and a history of Hulster House in Cap’n Jaffrey’s own crabbed hand! This document surely contains a hidden code of some kind (given the strange punctuation and line lengths) but for now, the straight and narrow:

The construction of the foundational masonry of Hulster House was begun in 1693, and completed three years later, after much stop-&-go. This structure replaced another (presumably the house for which the megalithic foundation was originally matched) but of this edifice Cap’n Hulster speaks very little, other than to mention that certain stones of it were preserved and placed in “magnetick positions” within the new walls, presumably for good luck. At any rate, the old girl is still solid and sound after so many score of years, so it certainly worked!

It was still another decade before the interior of the mansion was completed, after more intermittent work. During this time, Jaffrey busied himself in the affairs of his Industry, maintaining his fortunes as a coffee baron with estates in South America and the Caribbean islands. As an example of early American self-reliance, Jaffrey also captained his own small fleet of frigates, with which he transported his goods to the burgeoning Colonies. This portion of his wealth was originally bankrolled through the East India Company, but Jaffrey makes mention of some kind of “privateering agreement” after which the ships became wholly his own. American entrepreneurship—you’ve got to love it!

By all indications, Jaffrey had originally intended to settle near Salem (more of a Port City, after all) but ran afoul of none other than Increase Mather, though reasons for this are again sketchy. Jaffrey originally set up a string of successful coffee establishments (specializing in blends of his own beans, of course) stretching from Boston to the Maryland Territories; these were unanimously known as “Cosmo Jack’s” and is more than likely the first example of a franchised business in America certainly and perhaps the World! Locations of Cosmo Jack’s were frequented by noted and fashionable personalities of the day; poet and minister Edward Taylor is reported to have had his first spiritual epiphany while seated in the Lackawaxen franchise! As a further boon, Jaffrey packaged and sold his prestige blends under a “Hulster House Coffees” label; the tri-corner hats sold exclusively out of the shops (embroidered with the triangular Cosmo Jack’s logo) were also quite popular and helped to seal his fortune. 

Unfortunately, locations of Cosmo Jack’s also became reputed, probably unfairly, for “back room” conspiracies, and even darker notions—which is undoubtedly what attracted the attention of Sire Mather. The attention of the populace to Jaffrey Hulster’s coffee grounds was certainly detrimental to the Church, and imbibing of the beans did seem to cause “a significant and unholie excitement of the spirite”, according to Mather, who suspected invisible machinations behind not only Jaffrey’s unqualified industry, but behind the goods themselves. Jaffrey refused to reveal his “secrete receipts” for the blends to the Church inquisitors, and thus vacated the area, leaving the franchises unmanaged and to fall eventually into disrepair (though not quite into oblivion: as the chain, though mutated and renamed, has continued operation…)

It was to Hulster House that Cap’n Jaffrey eventually retreated, the Pennsylvania Quakers presumably providing an agreeable haven for the now-reclusive magnate. Closing his affairs in the Tropics, Hulster concentrated on more local affairs, and on raising a family. Yet his life certainly continued to expand prosperously forward, for yet another generation! For according to the documents found behind his daguerreotype, it was none other than Cap’n Jaffrey Hulster who founded the original Society for Attainment of Total Abstinence! 

A Fork In The Road.

Here I must pause in my ruminations to essay an event firmly attached to the Present Day, and yet with Historical Ramifications! As all visitors to this website are aware, the TAS of Penn existed as a member-cell of the Total Abstinence Society—North Atlantic Region for several years, albeit in various guises. After (unfortunately, following the example of many other member-cells) disbanding in 1997, the Society “reformed” a year later as an internet-based operation, with the intent of disseminating the spirit of Abstinence web-wide. [Please feel free to investigate the Minutes for further details.] A small core (of which this chronicler is a humble One) of Board Members remained to nurture and guide these notions to fruition, and to catalogue a growing database of web-organized members. 

TASP certainly fruited, providing such a progressive presence on the Web (and thus around the Planet) that other remaining member cells of the Total Abstinence Society (some of which were admittedly quite paltry) found themselves irresistibly blending into the Whole provided by TASP and its Web-Wide reach.

I will look to Twentieth-Century Literature for a suitable example of where we now find ourselves. The magazine Weird Tales was launched in March 1923 and ran more or less continuously until 1954, the beginning of the Atomic Age. The magazine was remembered fondly for a couple decades, with a few well-intentioned but doomed attempts at re-circulation. In 1987 (near the beginning of perestroika) it was re-launched, and continues into the present day, but with a forked history; due to a copyright wrangle, between 1994 and 1998 four issues were published under the banner Worlds of Fantasy and Horror. Subscribers knew not what to make of this, but happily in 1998 publication resumed under the traditional Weird Tales mantle, subsuming the four-issue stepchild into the WT history.

The parallels are obvious. Fairly, as the Board has decided, we can no longer ignore our growth or restrict ourselves, by name or by any other function, to Penn. Several developments (documented on other parts of this site) brought this issue to a throbbing head. Thus, we unanimously voted to assume responsibility as a governing base for all remaining associated member-cells and regional chapters, among those who choose to remain associated, and charge bravely forward, while yet looking backward.

As the Board discussed the Future identity and role of the Society, I could not help but meditate on the obvious lessons of my recent discoveries in the Archives. Jaffrey Hulster’s original organization (the origins of which I shall document shortly) was dubbed The Society for the Attainment of Total Abstinence, and though it splintered into factional groups almost immediately, I was ecstatic when during our pre-meeting séance the ectoplasmic “Brownie Brockden” (a founding member, by his own admission) suggested this name, in the hopes that we might bring History full circle! Happily, the Board approved this name without dissention! And as the ground floor of Hulster House had recently been fully refurbished (thanks to a generous “politically correct” donation), it seemed the unquestionable Headquarters for the newly re-organized Society. 

Our identity as TASP will appear along the History of Abstinence as an oxbow lake appears in the course of a swelling river as it runs to the ocean. As Brownie himself told us before dissipating into the ether: “Though the course may vary, the Destination shall always remain the same!” 

[Stay tuned for more later!]

CeTeRa DeSuNt

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