P.S. Is that a recent photo?"

However, Miss Cleo is probably available, and I'm sure she will be happy to service you.  And so I'm taking the liberty--while there is still such a thing in this country--to forward your request on to her."

In fact, it was exactly like Mittens, even, as I discovered later, right down to the name on the collar.  This 'other' Mittens looked up at me, meowed through the glass, and came straight in through the cat-flap just as natural as the 'original' Mittens sitting there on my lap.

Can you help?"

Being a psychic isn't about money or tricking people with lies, you skanky assed bitch!"

This deep, underlying order of our universe is especially present in the World Wide Web--it was no accident you happened upon the SATA Site and were moved to join our ever-growing community of like-minded Abstainers.

Now, to answer your questions: you are Santa Clauze (I am informed that no other Member has prior claim to that Cyber-Handle, so it is yours from now unto eternity); and you are here because you were led by a series of Jungian hyperlinks to this, the official Web Organ of the Society for the Attainment of Total Abstinence.  Welcome to your new home in Cyberspace!"

I'm having trouble with my woman. She keeps crying about how I need to help her move out of her apartment because of disembodied beings and 'feelings of utter dread' which wake her up from a sound sleep and cause her to run around in circles, screaming. Last night I went over there and she had built a fire in the middle of the living room (hint: she doesn't have a fireplace) and was dancing a hoop-dee dance around it. I do feel sorry for her, and I'm afraid she might already be possessed but I really don't feel like helping her move. What should I do?"

My girlfriend Chantrelle has run off again.  The last time she did this, I got a post card from Casablanca asking me to 'Please, Snuggle Bunny, see about booking my show at the Flaming Wand in three weeks.'  Naturally, I abstained from that--the last thing I wanted to have to do when she got back was sit around with all those fruity **** in their bicycle shorts trying to watch her act.  I'm a Marine, after all, and we don't go for that ****-pirate bull****.  Now I have to abstain from beating the **** out of Chantrelle when she gets back from wherever she is THIS time!  What can I do?  I love her, but she's got to take responsibility for her actions--and that makes her responsible for taking my foot up her *** when she steps out of line.  What's your suggestion?"

I'm becoming more and more worried as time goes by about the Russkie space station Mir.  As everyone knows it is going to fall to earth in the spring of 2000.  Now I am troubled by the fear that it (or some part of it) will survive re-entry to strike me or my home, maybe killing me, maybe destroying my home.  Now you may say I'm paranoid but I've already been hit once by a Jap bullet (WWII), once by lightening and two times by my brother-in-law's pickup.  And it's just the kind of thought to make me uneasy as I sit sipping my Jim Beam on my porch here in Texarkana or to keep me from sleeping properly, worried that when it hits me it'll also take out my fine lady wife Bea.  Because you are psychic, you know I'm not joking about this terror I feel.  What can I do?  Can I or my estate sue the Russkies if their piece of space trash does me harm or kills me?  Would they even have enough money to pay up?  Should I be talking to my lawyer now before disaster strikes?"

Night after night I am troubled by the same horrifying dream.  I'm sitting in a bathtub with only my head and knees sticking out of the steaming soapy water.  All seems fine until I realize that the plug has come out of the drain, and instead of the water draining away... it's me who's slowly but surely going down the drain!  And to make matters worse, the water (I don't know how!) starts laughing at me!  I wake up in a cold sweat just before my last eye is about to go down the hole.  What do these dreams mean, and what can I do to stop them?"

My friends always say I'm wasting my money to play the lottery every week.  And I've always told them that a psychic numerologist gave me my lucky numbers and that they will regret doubting the magic involved when I win the big jackpot and become a lifetime millionaire.  But, you know, now I'm starting to have my own doubts.  Not that I'll win the big money one of these days, but that the psychic numerologist who gave me my numbers may have been a fraud or at least may have been having a bad day and not seen clearly through the ether to my real lucky numbers.  Can you use your magic powers to tell me if I was given the wrong numbers?  I have complete faith in you.  Thank you very much!"  

As Libyan American, people ask me why people of Libya keep allow Muumar Qaddaffi rule them to make them like pariah Serbian?  Of course I am loyal to the new American homeland so to tell them the people of Libya entirely wrong to make them Muumar Qaddaffi spend money that Libya oil out of Tripoli and hand to Muumar Qaddaffi until American bomb and miss Muumar Qaddaffi.  Well well, to tell them where money spend and oil.  That American now say why!  Then run them down Muumar Qaddaffi sink the house and Muumar Qaddaffi spend oil money in Switzerland wrong people of Libya the rest of the Arab country like pariah Serbian.  Give me, if you please, answers to issue like this?"

I just saw the new Star Wars movie and thought the special effects were very good, but I didn't think there was much character development.  I've always thought of myself as a basically evil person, and I was wondering whether I could become an apprentice to someone like Emperor Palpatine in the film.  You know, like Darth Maul.  But that's beside the point.  There is a certain young lady who is a secretary in the company I work for.  And I've had my eye on her for some time.  Her name is Rinalda and she has a lovely face and a shapely body that really gets me going.  Whenever I walk by her desk, she smiles at me and says Hello.  Does she mean it?  Do you think I should ask her out?"

It sometimes horrifies me when I think of all the bad things that are going on every day in this world of ours. Why, just the other day I was walking down our street. You might know it from your psychic out of the body dreams. It's called Orange Avenue and it moves up away from the Bay. Anyway, if you do know it from your sleep travels, then you will know that it is normally a real quiet street. And we who live on it like it to stay that way! But the other day I saw something that surprised and shocked me. It left me reeling in my mind for hours afterwards. And it made me start to wonder whether this world of ours isn't really going to end as some of the prophets in your Armageddon section foresee. Well, really I can't actually bring myself to write about what I saw, but if you can answer my questions then you will have helped me a lot! I want to know: why was it spinning that way and giving off such a foul odor? And how do I get this awful smell out of my hair?"

Six months ago I was diagnosed by my surgeon as having something he called a 'teratoma'. It's growing in my lower intestine, just beneath the ribcage on my left side. The X-rays showed this thing having luxurious hair and a full set of baby teeth. And I'll be damned, but this thing is starting to bite! My doctor says I need to have it removed, and quick. Since I am dead-against abortion, I just don't know what to do. I can't keep drinking Maalox forever! Help!"

Why won't the women on your 1 - 900 - Gem - Ma - Prophesy psychic line talk dirty to me? I mean, I'm the one paying, for G-d's sake!"

Oftimes, in the morning, whilst I am still in the depths of sleep, I am aware that my clock radio alarm is about to go off.  This knowledge comes to me in my dreams, as for example I may be dreaming that an alarm or doorbell or telephone begins ringing, and then, in the so-called real world, my alarm sure enough goes off!  Sometimes I may just be nearly awake and I think 'Bet that alarm is about to go off' and it does!  This is scary, either way!   Does this make me psychic, and if so, am I obligated to use this gift for the benefit of society?"

Kodos"

On my last trip to Indonesia, I brought back what they told me was a cursed amulet. It had red rubyettes circling a mysterious symbol that no one could understand, not even the natives who sold it to me. Now my cats have died and my husband is having an affair with the mayor's wife. But wait, that's not all. I get nervous tremors in my neck and left hand everytime I wear it. And the power in the church I go to went out the moment I walked in the door with the amulet secretly hidden in my bra. What's more, I think I'm slowly turning into an orangutan. Should I get rid of the amulet, since I can tell by the way it glows and burns my skin that it's evil? If so, should I just throw it in the trash or should it be destroyed, like under a steamroller (my husband uses one at his work)?"

Someone told me on the bus the other day that my green (dyed) hair was causing him and a lot of other people he wouldn't name a real problem. I looked at him carefully and determined he wasn't trying to kill me (you know--like they sometimes do on buses). He didn't seem to be contemplating it, but I thought it best to lie, just in case. I told him my hair was green because I had been frightened by a big dog when I was little. I told him it was caused by a vitamin deficiency. I told him it was a sign of bad weather on the horizon. I told him I was a punk voodoo preacher man. I told him he should have seen it before I dyed it. Is it my fault the bus crashed?"