Official Minutes (2000-2001) SATA Web-Wide

January 15, 2000 || March 3, 2000 || May 5, 2000 || July 17, 2000 || October 25, 2000 || February 5, 2001 || April 15, 2001 || August 27, 2001 || December 20, 2001

January 15, 2000

Back to the Start

1. Following the shocking revelation that one of the newer Society Members (CH=Sandpaper Saltlick) had been secretly acting in a subversive manner and "working against Abstinence generally", it was determined by the Society Board that he should be dishonorably expelled from the Organization.  As part of its official communiqué relating to this disgraceful matter, the Board noted that "Sandpaper Saltlick's actions have been wholly motivated by malice spurred on by more than a hint of megalomania."  [Editor's comment: Shame on you, Sandpaper Saltlick!]
2. The Society desktop theme designs have still not been completed and are unlikely to be, according to the company hired by the Board to design them, until summer at the earliest.  The Board is currently reviewing its position and will make known its views on these circumstances at its next meeting.
3. In recognition of the vital importance of "green" issues, the Board has decided to have the Society Website background color changed to green until the next meeting.
4. The next Society Board meeting will be held on March 3, 2000.

March 3, 2000

Back to the Start

1. This date marks the first Society Board meeting held at Hulster House, now reconditioned to house the Society's records and primary operations.  (Thanks to new member Ipso-Flesh, former candidate for President of the United States, for donating the remainder of his campaign fund and making this possible.)
2. A vote was taken to re-christen the society as The Society for the Attainment of Total Abstinence. This moniker was suggested during our pre-meeting séance by "Brownie Brockden", the spirit of a founding member of the Society in North America. Due to both our aggressive member-growth and our progressive internet presence, this change was an inevitable result. Professor McFoam blessed us with an historical context for this transformation, and it was passed unanimously. This heralds a new era in the history of the Society; Phase Two of our Millennium Mobilization is now fully underway!
3. Due to *security problems* with internet pirates accessing and compromising the now-crucial website, X-Rom proposed acquiring a proper "dot-com" address and moving the site to a more reputable host server. As the website is now crucial to SATA growth and operations, this motion was quickly passed by the Board. X-Rom delegated the task of website security to Dogleg Peter (a former Microsoft® accountant), who assures us that pornography will henceforth only be seen in appropriate corners of the Web. You go, Dogleg!
4. A measure was passed granting Igor T. Hyslop and Pluto (both formerly members-at-large) Board Member status; Hyslop (a journalist for the Weekly World News) will begin immediate construction of an Armageddon Watchdog page, to be part of our pre-existing End Times page. Pluto (a professional feng-shui advisor) was named chairman of the "Abstinence Alive!" project, much discussed in the annals of the Society for some time, but still unrealized. "Abstinence Alive!" will be our first major effort to provide a physical manifestation in this new millennium; it might take the form of a member convention, a motion picture, or an interactive "virtual abstinence" computer program (or possibly some combination thereof). Pluto will research the possibilities and get back to us.
5. Pyggy Phat commenced a demonstration showing how lava lamps, by nature of their slow & fluid motions, can produce in the mind a mesmeric state which is conducive to Abstinence. This effectively ended the meeting.
6. The next SATA Board meeting will be held on May 5, 2000 at Hulster House.

May 5, 2000

Back to the Start

1. In recognition of Cinco de Mayo, five minutes of silence were observed at the start of the meeting for the benefit of those (of mainly Mexican persuasion, though the ritual has spread sadly to the patrons of many college campuses and chain restaurants as well) who choose this day to break from Abstinence.
2. The Board welcomed long-time cyber member Bozeman to the meeting.  Bozeman is on extended spring break from Widener and is taking the opportunity to traverse the countryside, preaching abstinence in a 1981 Honda Civic which he's painted after the fashion of a late 1800s traveling medicine show.  The Board applauds your efforts, Bozeman!  [The Board would also like to extend an official welcome to all cyber-members; our meetings are your meetings, and all members are free to make the pilgrimage to Hulster House to attend.]
3. A request to endorse with the SATA name and logo a "Stationary Abstinence Trainer" designed by Hula-Houp of the Baytown Chapter was denied. The practical application and long-term benefits of the device could not be ascertained by the Board, despite the very colorful schematics provided by Mr. Houp.
4. It was agreed that the Board should pursue the idea of revenue from the website, in the form of logo T-shirts, coffee mugs, keychains and baseball hats.  As these four items represent the mainstay of Western Commerce, they are undoubtedly the best vehicles for spreading the word of Abstinence.  A committee was formed to research both suitable logos and slogans. Several, including "Abstinence: It Works Every Time" and "Abstinence means never having to say you're sorry" were approved on a preliminary basis by the Board.
5. Barth Cicada of the Farmington Chapter blessed us all with a dramatic poetry reading of the lyrics to "Shattered" by the Rolling Stones.  A motion that we make this the official song of the Society was, however, tabled indefinitely.
6. Tanya Shibbits of the Baltimore Chapter presented her essay (accompanied by a very convincing slide-show) "Is the Government Doing Enough about Abstinence?"  Tanya has submitted this essay for publication in US News & World Report but has yet to hear back, despite repeated tries.  Keep plugging, Tanya!
7. The next SATA Board meeting will be held on July 17, 2000 at Hulster House.

July 17, 2000

Back to the Start

1. Kingsley-D of the Roswell Chapter proposed a replacement for the Contest!, a new game in which photographs of recent or historical violence are posted, and then guesses are made by submitted form as to which hit song or piece of music most likely inspired said violence. Kingsley-D suggested the name "Blame That Tune" for such a quiz. The Board agreed to consider the proposal.
2. In light of recent controversy surrounding the United States Constitution, it was proposed that an amendment be made to the SATA Charter which would, in the future, allow for the membership of robots. The wording of the present Charter allows for the inclusion of "all Sentient Beings considered Plagued by such Situations and Constraints which Abstinence is best Suited to Remedy." As argued by several Board Members, headed by Esquire Quoz, now that the focus of SATA is internet-based, and as encroaching technologies direct us into a more intimate relationship with said internet, it would seem that a contingency of virtual and/or non-carbon based sentience will become an "eventual, nay, inevitable" presence among the ranks. As the focus of SATA is to build an impressive membership base at all costs, this motion was unanimously agreed. While the Board does not envision the SATA ranks as becoming an army of cyborgs responding to the bleeping of a vast central computer, they did feel it was best to alter the language so that future options might be left open.
3. Elkridge P. of the Wheeling Chapter proposed a new promotional campaign strategy, already popular among television advertising: the use of digitally-enhanced deceased persons to hawk the Society via web-based animated link banners and "pop-up" ads. "If Humphrey Bogart can sell Diet Coke and Ronald Reagan can sell Buicks, then why can't Saint Francis or John Wilkes Booth sell SATA? (And, under the new charter amendment, as digitally 'resurrected' sentient beings, they would qualify for membership.)" Gem Ma provided the only dissenting vote ("on the grounds of holistic energy") and the Board thus appointed a committee to research which dead historical celebrities will be best suited to the "Resurrection Campaign."
4. Work on the upcoming SATA desktop theme continues, despite numerous setbacks from various unspecified quarters.  Summer Fresh Glade, the Board Member in charge of the approval process, expressed the feelings of many present when she noted: "By the time we get around to approving an appropriate design, Microsoft® will have wrapped everyone up in a cocoon."
5. New members include the world-famous Aunt Nettie, "the oldest person still active on the internet"; Ash Vakyoom, a speaker of note at this year's upcoming Republican National Convention in Philadelphia; and Maria Ravingmad, the unusually attractive host of CNBC's Market Week with Maria Bartiromo.
6. The next SATA Board meeting will be held on October 25, 2000 at Hulster House.

CeTeRa DeSuNt

Get in touch anytime at


Remember that address - It could just save you from the Fiend - he hates abstinence!