Let's face it, we all know deep down that crop circles are nothing more than man-made hoaxes.  But even knowing that, we still respect them.  For they are the handiwork of truly creative and dedicated individuals, toiling away on moonless nights in the quiet, mechanized farmlands of the Western World.  And it's truly moving to think that some people derive a sense of spiritual fulfillment from worshipping within their often impressively complex geometric patterns.

So as to keep alive the fantasy that these circles are the products of extra-terrestrials or wood nymphs or "orgone" or whatever, some clever people have created software that turns their intricate patterns into music.  The sounds generated by this program are "similar to those used in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but this is now for real!"

"I used to have blushing attacks daily when I spoke to people.  I would turn deep red and would try to find a way out.  It ruined a lot of relationships I might have had."

There's something about personal testimonies, especially those involving "blushing attacks" and "hand sweat," that really moves me to deep contemplation.  And the fact that help is available--and changing people's lives as we speak--is truly the icing on the voyeuristic cake!

No, not as exciting as it sounds.  It's just a slow day, I guess.

"The lady left the kitchen and shortly returned looking very downcast with the hairbrush.  It was a large old-fashioned one with a wooden back and I knew that it would hurt but I also knew that this pain was important to the lady's peace of mind.  I pulled her towards me and bent her over the table in the kitchen, lifted her skirt up and pulled down her knickers."

No, Qaq is not trying to fill today's link spot with another pervy sex site.  This is serious stuff.

Of course, we all recognize that spanking is a great way to put children back in their place.  What's more, it is, I admit, a sexual practice that holds no small amount of fascination for me personally.  But it's important that we keep in mind that a good whoopin' can also have great therapeutic value, as we see here.

Yesterday it was coffee--today it's Hell.  But today Qaq has a serious question for his devoted audience: this particular site takes issue with Catholic dogma regarding Hell, claiming that we should only look to what the Bible says for truths about the Abyss.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the claim that the Bible itself is divinely inspired also based on Catholic doctrine?

Maybe I should be addressing this question to Gojira....

"Acute caffeine poisoning gives early symptoms of anorexia, tremor, and restlessness.  Followed by nausea, vomiting, tachycardia, and confusion.  Serious intoxication may cause delirium, seizures, supraventricular and ventricular tachyarrhythmias, hypokalemia, and hyperglycemia."

All this and it helps lower suicide rates?  The more I find out about caffeine, the more coffee I want to drink!  Make mine a triple-shot "venti" latte!! 

"With God's help I will become a full Jedi/Dolphin soon, and unite with this elusive dream I refer to as The Ethiopian Woman..."

Now, Qaq doesn't approve of stalking or stalker sites such as this one.  But he thought this particular mind-bender would bring a well-conditioned tear to the eyes of the obliquely romantic.

You know, every now and then people read my "Alterna" weblog and get a bee in their bonnet about something I've said or done.

Well, this time around it seems I've caused offense by linking to a site run by those charming creatures society so fondly calls "whores" (see below).  For all the prudish fucks out there who took the time and trouble to make their views on this issue known to me, I lovingly dedicate today's link.

"Welcome.  You are about to embark on a journey onto the Interstate of Consciousness into the new frontier of non-ordinary states of reality.  Four travel packages plus a car owner's manual are available to make your trip easy and enjoyable."

Yes, we're being "welcomed" to yet another stupid "cash sucker" site.  Frankly, Qaq doesn't have the patience to review this one, so he'll leave it to you.  Keep in mind, however, that if you join only one truly deranged organization this year, don't bother with these greedy parasites--join SATA instead!

"Welcome to the website of... the International Sex Worker Foundation for Art, Culture and Education - which may be the most UNIQUE organization in the world!"

Qaq had no idea there was so much going on "behind the scenes" in this particularly important service industry.

You don't have to be a teenager to take this "no drugs for me" pledge.  I'm not, and I did!

Actually, when it comes to drugs, I can't be trusted to tie my own shoelaces.  Lucky for me I have an internet connection in rehab (where I happen to be domiciled at this very moment) or I wouldn't be able to bring this important link to you now.

Qaq has never been able to understand the appeal of trainspotting.  The first time he heard that people actually made a hobby out of sitting around near train tracks and waiting for trains to pass by (and noting all sorts of pointless details about them), he thought it was all a joke.

But of course, like bird-watching and camera safaris, it isn't a joke.  Some people claim this is the sort of thing we should expect when people give up religion.

It must be admitted, however, that this website has some pretty good pictures of trains on it. Our good friend Jeff the Trainspotter has really outdone himself.  My favorites are the "shunters and diesel motor units (DMU)."

The Mayor of Amatsukominato for some reason thinks his constituents are keen to read his "Greeting of Inauguration" not in their native Japanese, but rather in unusually bad English translation.

Perhaps it was his plan to "to take off bad peal and to create active town politics" that got him elected, in spite of the fact that he seems keen to "collect brains from 8,000 town people."

There are lots of pictures of rats here, including one "doe" named Badger "who had no sense of fear whatsoever and was sexually attracted to cats."  [Special note: large download (lots of pics); not formatted very well for lower screen resolutions]

"This was an awesome camp. I learned a lot about God as well as golf."

Now you all know that Qaq has nothing against God--he's too careful, for one thing, but sometimes he's a little confused as to the intentions of some of God's most devoted fans.  I mean, it's true that "God" and "golf" both start with exactly the same two letters (arranged in exactly the same sequence), but what other connection is there between the two?

"Nope. Children don't like Fuckles the Clown one iota."

Yet more proof that clowns are in fact evil, this short tale of an "omni-sexual" clown also demonstrates once again how the web is slowly undermining the "traditional" publishing industry.  I mean, if you can get this sort of literature for free, why pay Doubleday for it?

With Halloween just around the corner, you can bet this site will be seeing a lot of hits.

I've taken the time and trouble to link you straight in to the "real" thing--a true ghost story, as opposed to the kind I like to tell (the ones in which people are driven insane).

Is this a cult?  Is it a religion?  Is it a parody?  Qaq has no idea, and he isn't about to send them an email to find out!

I've always suspected that there were some disturbing--even menacing--undercurrents running through the routines of many (all?) clowns.  Now I know that these "evil" clowns are in fact a worldwide problem, and the psychic investigators at Hillhouse can apparently do something about them.

These people also "kill" ghosts and are qualified to handle "Demonic Infant Possession (DIP)."

"Feeling dead cats," "smelling rotting mummies," and "hearing 'eating' Frankensteins"...

Before today, Qaq had been thinking that the sort of "poetry" sickos like Mortician (see below) wrote was fairly rare and probably represented some sort of serious deviation from the norm.

However, he is shocked to find that these young children have been encouraged by their elementary school teacher to try their hand at composing such truly morbid verses.

Jah Mongg sent me this link (a site belonging to a new Member), and she's asked me to be nice and all (not like I was when I first started this weblog).  But how nice can I be when it's a French Canadian we're probably talking about here?

Well, I'll try (if you've ever laid your eyes on Jah Mongg, you'd try too).

This "University" is really just one small part of what looks like a terribly extensive endeavor.  Fortunately for me (so I don't have to start lying), all of it's beautifully put together and some of it's actually pretty funny when it's not trying to make some sort of point.  [Special Qaq Aside: I will never understand why people always think other people want to hear their opinions.  After all, if it isn't pointless, then what's the point?]

P.S. There's a picture of Ronald McDonald being crucified here too.  And if you get lucky you may come across "St. Paul converting the Meerkats"--nice!

There has to be a market out there for this "service."  Most of us would shudder at the mere thought of willingly signing up for spam.

But there are bound to be people out there (let's call them "losers") who measure their popularity (or the degree to which they believe they actually exist) by the quantity of spam their email accounts attract.

Now I suppose it's prudent for the American Government to commission reports such as this one, but, as William Blake wrote so prophetically, "Prudence is a rich, ugly old maid courted by Incapacity"--a fact which explains why this plan was never carried out.

Dog
Diaper

"Ripped in half
Left to die
Blood pours out
From both sides"

BUYER BEWARE!  "Ripped in Half" is probably the least disturbing song by this self-described "death metal/grindcore" band.

This vile junk will put any normal person off his dinner.  Qaq's recommendation?  Don't visit this site.

Ah, bungee-jumping.  What a sport!  And what an effective outlet for expressing one's sense of moral outrage.  [Special Qaqommendation: click on the pic to get a better look!]

Qaq has no comment.

It's no secret that Qaq's been searching for just the right domain name to host the cash porn site he's been putting together (as a "hobby").  So when he found out about the ".ly" (Libya) top-level domain, you can bet he was right on it--after all, practically every good ".com" name's already been taken!

You see, when he was still but a tiny baby restlessly fidgeting in his crib, his mother would calm him by playing her favorite Plasmatics tracks--songs like "Sex Junkie" and "Butcher Baby."

Whatever your needs, these people can supply you with a "voodoo doll spell kit" specially tailored to meet them.